"Excuse me for putting a positive spin on a traffic jam!"
I'm not a positive person. Have you ever been angered to grace? Argued your way to peace?
There are so many things I havn't done. So many things that I don't want to do that I AM doing. There's so much I leave done at the end of the day. There are so many things I don't like about myself. There are so many things I'm not good at, and so many things that I'm great at, but don't do. And I focus on these things. I focus on them, and brood about them, and I stare at them like they're a freaking Great Wall of China in the middle of the road I'm trying to cross.
I walk up to these issues I have with myself, all the negative things about my life and shove my nose in them--like following a path through the woods that suddenly has to turn around a tree, but I just walk my nose up to the fucking tree and stay there and whine about it. I can't see the path anymore, I'm blinded, I'm tired of not being able to get through it or past it, and my nose hurts. But I continue to stand there like the dipnuts I so often accuse myself of being. The dipnuts I hate being.
You don't like yourself very much, and I'm not sure why. Probably for the same reasons I don't like myself. Because in spite of your beautiful smile and uncanny ability to make everyone else's day better, you can't take a step back from the tree to look back at how far you've come, and see the path that's before you. In spite of the fact that you are beautiful, friendly, loving, caring, self-sacrificing, giving, brilliant, a talented writer, a wonderful daughter, an excellent older sister, a loving best friend, a great listener and counselor, a smart student, a hard worker, who has a clean house, who is supportive of her boyfriend, who loves her church, who desires to help others above all else, who is most looking forward to being rich so she can help others, who can type 82wpm, who is an excellent masseuse, who has inspired countless people, who pursues God with all her strength--even when it's next to nothing, who ventured out on her own going to a place God had called her, who trusts God most of the time even when she doesn't have the money she needs, who would give up everything she had to be there for someone she loves, who works so hard at her relationships, who cares so much about pleasing other people that she puts herself aside, who knows how to save money without skimping, who knows how to look cute on a budget, who can make people laugh and cry, who knows about people, who loves people, who only wants to see the world become a better place, who doesn't gossip, who doesn't let others negative opinions define her, who doesn't let negative influences stay at her 'input table' who refuses to complain on facebook, who wants nothing more than to sell all her stuff and go to Africa to live and care for the hurting people there, and spend time so close to God, that if He doesn't provide she would die, who believes in God with all her heart, who is so stubborn, she'll step out of the boat to disprove everyone so she can better hear God, and prove Him right, someone who walks around in the humidity and heat to pass out flyers for the karate camp and cardio, who gets up at 4 in the morning to support her boyfriend at his cardio class, who would continue to sacrifice sleep to be with the one customer those hours work for, who would donate all her food to needy people if she could, to someone whose heart breaks that she can't seem to scrape up the money for her sponsor child, the same person who loved a drug addict because God told her to, and surrendered that soul bond when she didn't want to for the soul bond she needed with Christ so He could show her the ex-adulterer she was to fight for in love, who trusted God when nothing He was saying made sense to her, or anyone else, who would rather give a back massage than receive one, who would rather sit all day in God's presence than watch t.v., who would rather be poor and broke, doing God's work than rich and prosperous without Him, who would stay up, crying, listening to a friend than getting much needed sleep, who cleaned her cousin's house when she didn't have to, when she needed sleep; who does her boyfriends laundry and washes his dishes and listens to him ranting about stupid things without criticizing, who cleans up after him without complaining, who massages his feet and puts his clothes away, and lets him use her computer to make flyers when she needs to do schoolwork, who dotes on her younger siblings instead of being annoyed by them, who goes to her mother's and helps straighten up the house, who tries to make ammends with her father inspite of his stubborness and negative attitude, who pursues her dreams, even if it seems crazy, who wakes up every morning and seeks God--even if she occasionally loses sight of Him throughout the day; who wants so badly to help other women who are struggling with the same things, who would give all her money to the church, and to helping orphans and homeless and would take in and feed strangers, who would love nothing more than to bless others, who would love nothing more than to go into debt helping other people, who supports her frustrating boyfriend as much as she possibly can, even if it means going out of her comfort zone, even if it means staying up till 2 a.m. watching anime when you have to wake up at 4:30 to help with his cardio class.
You are an incredible woman, and if you ever begin to doubt it, just look at the people who love you. They are not dumb people whom you manipulated into sticking around. They LOVE you, and they think you're a pretty awesome person. So quit being a dumbass and open your eyes to see the beautiful creation that God created in you.
sincerely,
Someone who sees the REAL you<3
p.s. you don't have to take the credit for how great you are. I know you're shy. God did a great job on His own. Quit doggin' his work. You're a masterpiece. He said so.
